Hello,
I am writing to ask guidance in this situation with my significant other. We have been together for 7 years, living together for 3 now. We had planned to get married, but are financially in trouble now. We were first lving together in his house, then we wanted something nicer and just before the market dropped we bought a bigger house. The problem is like many folks today, we are struggling financially because we are down to my income only. He had an income and paid the bills when we were at his house, but now that income dried up. I recieved no warning or explanation, but lots of push back against discussing it or dealing with it. I am thinking now is the time we should support each other, and he's says he cannot afford to get stressed, and is trying to support me. I don't feel it when I don't get answers or ideas. I asked him months ago about a "plan b" in case the development deal he is working on doesn't go through, and he says he has none. I am nearly frantic as the entire house is in my name and my bank account, and he simply doesn't understand this reaction. I have seen him try to be sympathetic and he did finally start to look for a job after months of arguing and when it was finally clear there would be no construction draw anytime soon. He still says its coming, but nothing concrete. Even he has stated the vagueness is getting to him, but every time I talk about my worries or look to him to discuss it so I can feel better, he says I am being "morbid".
I know you cannot tell in a message who is correct, so let me go on. Last weekend we fought and ended in seperate rooms because I was again 'being morbid". I don't know how I am going to pay the bills this month, and I finally got him to admit the deal looks like it won't help this month and I simply stated that on our walk Sunday morning, which changed his whole mood and ensued the argument Sunday afternoon. After the fight and a night apart, he asked me on Monday what could he do, and I told him I needed more emotional support, someone to do more than just listen, but to come up with solutions. He agreed and we went ahead that way. We had an agreement he would pay for a certain amount of bills. I ended up paying his bills because it was more convenient and quickerand no late fee, but I said he should buy food and do other things. I am still behind, but needed to get that bill paid. He agreed. The amount I paid was quite large. Yesterday we went out to a simple dinner for the first time in a long time. The check comes, and he asks me to pay it
. I didn't believe my ears, and said that I had paid a large number that didn't equal the one time grocery store bill he paid this week. He told me last weekend he could afford to pay the big bill I ended up paying. I later found out he charged gas on my charge card, yesterday, after we agreed to not use it. So, back to the restaurant: he paid the check and but we moved on to having a rather contentious discussion, NOT related to finances, but no doubt due to the tension created. By the time I got home I was angry, and so I just went to bed early without speaking to him. He pretty much 'tuned me out' anyway earlier, which is what he does. We ended up in seperate bedrooms, again. In the morning, today, he said he wouldn't talk to me about it. He did say I had too much to drink, (one glass of wine, really, and he hounds me every time I have one) and that I was overreacting to a simple difference of opinion on the discussion we were having. He left the house this morning. He said he couldn't live the rest of his life like this what he has left of it. (He is older than me and is now facing some health issues which he has put off because I complain about money.Very manipulative for sure). I agreed with not wanting to live like this and said he could stay here, but we just can't do this without discussing this issue and fixing it.. His MO is to never discuss things, but rather he hears my messages and says he will'fix it" after he hears them. The problem is that he doesn't. And Granted, he has no clue what I really was upset about, but last weekend, I told him what I needed from him about our finances, and we had talked about how to make it work all week long, so then he tells me I should pay the check. We even talked about a 72 hour change in his behaviors on this issue by his own recommendation, and now I am paying for this entertainment. I always do. In fact, I have paid for everything this last 8 months. So,why doesn't he get it?
I feel I am pushing him away because I am so disappointed in his behaviors and lack of support. This is not a new issue and each time there is a crisis he reacts to move away and in some cases actually blames me, irrationally. It's obvious he doesn't give the expected level of support in a situation like this, or perhaps it's not obvious? Last month I had to charge air fares and hotel costs as his Aunt passed away suddenly. I did it with love and without speaking about our finances except to say it was ok to charge it. That's what it's for. He thanked me and recognized my support. Why can't he see I need his?
Please respond and provide some feedback. I am sad, but I think this is it for me. At Christmas his daughter came to visit in our new home and off loaded a bunch of stories about some of the very selfish things he did to her in the past. Things like use her honeymoon money, not pay back other people, etc. He does have a history of using other people's money and not thinking much about it. I felt used last night. How do I tell him? Is this worth it? I am already missing all the wonderful things about him, but I just think this issue is too big to ignore. Help
Sad but tired too.....
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